When Someone You Love Has an Eating Disorder
One of the most difficult situations to live with is knowing that someone you love has an eating disorder. Often people are overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness regarding what to do to help the suffering individual. As eating disorders become more prevalent often the person suffering from an eating disorder can be a child, a spouse, a roommate, a girlfriend or boyfriend, or even a parent. It is difficult to know what to do even when the sufferer wants and asks for help. A further dilemma presents itself when you watch someone you love with an eating disorder consistently refuse help. You may be very frightened by the behavior you observe. At times the person suffering from the eating disorder may seem to lose control. No logic or reasoning suffice.
The most important thing you can do is let the individual know that you are aware that there is a problem. Tell them that you care about them and want to help. The first step in helping is in understanding. You cannot reach the eating disordered individual unless they feel you understand what they're going through on an emotional level. Appealing to their logic isn't enough. Educating yourself regarding eating disorders may make what at first glance seem to be bizarre behaviors make more sense to you. Once the person with the eating disorder feels that you understand how they feel they may be more amenable to hearing what you have to say.
Second, it is important not to judge or evaluate the behavior or the individual. Most people with eating disorders feel shame and embarrassment when it comes to their behaviors. Anorexics feel different and alone. Bulimics often feel as though the purging behavior is disgusting. Compulsive overeaters who do not purge also feel a great deal of shame connected with their out of control eating. If they don't believe that anyone is aware of their binge-purge behavior, being discovered and confronted can be humiliating. If you make them feel embarrassed or shameful regarding their behavior you will lose the possibility of any chance to help. If you are accepting and look beyond the behavior to understand why it is happening you may develop a bond with the individual. If they feel you don't understand they will distance themselves from you. Just telling someone to stop, threatening them, or ridiculing them NEVER work.
Third, patience will be your ally. Even for those already in treatment recovery takes time. Pressuring someone into a speedy recovery is sure to backfire. Patients need support, encouragement, and praise for small steps. On occasion, I have worked with patients who were making slow, steady progress only to be undermined by parents who sabatoged treatment because recovery wasn't quick enough. Don't let the suffering individual feel you are pushing them to recover faster than they can handle. Gains are maintained better if they are slow and steady and become a part of the patients real repertoire of behaviors.
Significant others must examine their own feelings toward food, weight, and body image. It is extremely difficult for a patient to change their behaviors and attitudes if they are surrounded by others who obsess about food, diet, or even just have a negative body image. This is especially difficult for daughters whose mothers or other significant family members diet or don't like their own bodies.
Very often eating disorders take the place of open communication. For one reason or another the individual has substituted either eating or not eating in place of feeling and talking about their feelings. If you become a person who they can talk to freely, who will not judge them for their thoughts, feelings or behaviors, it will surely help Be receptive to hearing about all feelings, including negative ones, such as anger. Don't be surprised if the patient becomes angry with you. It is very common in the recovery process for patients to begin experiencing anger which they have numbed or suppressed. Accepting negative feelings means accepting your own as well. You may begin to feel angry and frustrated with the patient. This is understandable.
Remember that recovery from an eating disorder is something that a patient must do largely on their own. You can help them find a good therapist, a nutritionist, and a doctor experienced in treating eating disorders but after that you must let go a little bit. Don't get involved in control issues regarding food. Don't watch the patient eat. Remember to continue to talk about other things. Last, remember to continue to take care of yourself. The recovery process can be lengthy at times. It is important that you don't neglect the rest of your life. Continue to see other people, don't neglect other children or family members. Don't let their obsession become your obsession.
The most important thing you can do is let the individual know that you are aware that there is a problem. Tell them that you care about them and want to help. The first step in helping is in understanding. You cannot reach the eating disordered individual unless they feel you understand what they're going through on an emotional level. Appealing to their logic isn't enough. Educating yourself regarding eating disorders may make what at first glance seem to be bizarre behaviors make more sense to you. Once the person with the eating disorder feels that you understand how they feel they may be more amenable to hearing what you have to say.
Second, it is important not to judge or evaluate the behavior or the individual. Most people with eating disorders feel shame and embarrassment when it comes to their behaviors. Anorexics feel different and alone. Bulimics often feel as though the purging behavior is disgusting. Compulsive overeaters who do not purge also feel a great deal of shame connected with their out of control eating. If they don't believe that anyone is aware of their binge-purge behavior, being discovered and confronted can be humiliating. If you make them feel embarrassed or shameful regarding their behavior you will lose the possibility of any chance to help. If you are accepting and look beyond the behavior to understand why it is happening you may develop a bond with the individual. If they feel you don't understand they will distance themselves from you. Just telling someone to stop, threatening them, or ridiculing them NEVER work.
Third, patience will be your ally. Even for those already in treatment recovery takes time. Pressuring someone into a speedy recovery is sure to backfire. Patients need support, encouragement, and praise for small steps. On occasion, I have worked with patients who were making slow, steady progress only to be undermined by parents who sabatoged treatment because recovery wasn't quick enough. Don't let the suffering individual feel you are pushing them to recover faster than they can handle. Gains are maintained better if they are slow and steady and become a part of the patients real repertoire of behaviors.
Significant others must examine their own feelings toward food, weight, and body image. It is extremely difficult for a patient to change their behaviors and attitudes if they are surrounded by others who obsess about food, diet, or even just have a negative body image. This is especially difficult for daughters whose mothers or other significant family members diet or don't like their own bodies.
Very often eating disorders take the place of open communication. For one reason or another the individual has substituted either eating or not eating in place of feeling and talking about their feelings. If you become a person who they can talk to freely, who will not judge them for their thoughts, feelings or behaviors, it will surely help Be receptive to hearing about all feelings, including negative ones, such as anger. Don't be surprised if the patient becomes angry with you. It is very common in the recovery process for patients to begin experiencing anger which they have numbed or suppressed. Accepting negative feelings means accepting your own as well. You may begin to feel angry and frustrated with the patient. This is understandable.
Remember that recovery from an eating disorder is something that a patient must do largely on their own. You can help them find a good therapist, a nutritionist, and a doctor experienced in treating eating disorders but after that you must let go a little bit. Don't get involved in control issues regarding food. Don't watch the patient eat. Remember to continue to talk about other things. Last, remember to continue to take care of yourself. The recovery process can be lengthy at times. It is important that you don't neglect the rest of your life. Continue to see other people, don't neglect other children or family members. Don't let their obsession become your obsession.
